The Weirdo Wizards Book 1: So many references
by PyroPotter
Summary: The Weirdo Wizards are a group of friends in Hogwarts. Sometimes they hate each other, but they're still friends. Tragedy, Adventure, Friendship, and a little Romance. *le gasp! *EDIT* DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. J.K. Rowling is the sole creator of Harry **  
**Potter and all affiliated characters, settings, ideas, and organizations. I**  
**wished I owned this multi-billion dollar franchise but I don't. Fuck. I do however own most other characters in the story. WIN!**

Jack Inferno

OoooOoooO

Ok, so I'm not a normal kid. So what? Normal is creepy. That might be what God was thinking when he made me, Jack Inferno, a wizard. That's right. You can call me insane, but this all happened. Now let me tell you the tales of The Weirdo Wizards and their reign at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

It all started one day when I was 11 years old. I was playing around in the yard when I saw an owl carrying a letter. _Oh boy, _I thought. _Could it be? _It was indeed. My letter from Hogwarts. It had finally arrived! I was overjoyed and almost forgot to show it to my parents.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL

_of _WITCHCRAFT _and_ WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,_

_Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr. Inferno,

We are pleased to inform you that you

have been accepted at Hogwarts School of

Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find en-

closed list of all necessary books and equip-

ment.

Term begins on September 1. We await

your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

_ Minerva McGonagall_

Minerva McGonagall,

_ Deputy Headmistress_

They looked at the letter thoroughly. When they had read it 5 times over, they decided we would go to Diagon Alley today. I was so excited! A letter from Hogwarts AND a trip to Diagon Alley? I was ecstatic.

My parents, Robert and Kelly Inferno, quickly told me how to use Floo powder. My dad went first and I went second. I got it right on my first try! My mom came last and then we went off to Gringotts, the Wizarding bank.

When we were at the doors, my jaw opened widely. Gringotts was huge! Dozens of goblins sitting at desks, writing letters or examining gemstones. It was wonderful! I noticed a warning on the door.

_Enter, stranger, but take heed_

_Of what awaits the sin of greed,_

_For those who take, but do not earn,_

_Must pay dearly in their turn._

_So if you seek beneath our floors_

_A treasure that was never yours,_

_Thief, you have been warned, beware_

_Of finding more than treasure there._

The poem/warning was extremely creepy. I wouldn't think of robbing this place even if my life depended on it. Not even if you offered me something, like, immortal life. Anyways, the only way to be immortal is the Elixir of Life from the Philosopher's Stone.

We walked in cautiously and walked up to the goblin at the front desk. While my parents talked to him, I turned around and I swear I saw a giant man talking to a boy with unruly hair dressed in muggle clothing. I turned back around just in time to see my parents begin to be led away by a goblin named Gornshuk. I quickly caught up to them, trying to put the boy out of my mind.

The Inferno family vault, vault number 1789, was a decidedly old vault. It was very deep into Gringotts. I almost vomited on the way down, and then did vomit when I got off of the minecart. A goblin swept in, cleaned up the vomit, and ran away muttering something about vault 713.

Me and my parents went into our vault, took out a fair amount of money, and left Gringotts. We went to Flourish and Blotts to get all my school books. We went to the Apothecary to get my potions materials and then to Madam Malkin's Robes for all Occasions to get my robes. After that we went to the Magical Menagerie to get me an owl. I picked a brown, tall one.

Then the big moment. Going to Ollivander's to get my wand. When we got close to it, I could see the big sign. _Ollivanders: Makers of fine Wands since 382 B.C._

I thought, _Well, that must be wrong! No human being can be, _I quickly did the math inside my head, _2373 years old! _But nonetheless, THE Mr. Ollivander greeted us as we walked into his store. There were many shelves just full of wand cases. I was wondering how I would find one I liked.

"Ah, Hello, Mr. Inferno. I've been waiting for you since I heard your parents got married and had a son. I remember your father had a wand with a core of dragon heartstring, 11 inches, reasonably springy. Made of mahogany. You know, I remember every wand I've ever sold. Your mother, on the other hand, preferred a wand with a unicorn tail hair, 12 and a half inches, made of willow, swishy. Though of course, it's the wand that chooses the wizard. Us that have studied wandlore have known that for thousands of years. Now," he said practically breathing on me, "Let's figure out what wand you're cut out for."

We then started to test wands. He would take a wand out of its case and hand it to me, whereupon I would swish it in the air to see if it liked me. Ollivander took almost all of them away before I could finish swishing them, though once he thought for a full minute before he took it away. I once heard him mutter softly, "I haven't had a customer this tricky since 1382," though I was sure I'd misheard him.

After a while, he pulled a wand that had so much dust on it I thought the case was supposed to be gray. He pulled out the wand, looking at it so hard I thought it would burst into flames. He then whispered "Curious," before passing me the wand, hand shaking, almost as if he was scared what would happen next.

I very nervously took the wand and swished it. Mr. Ollivander covered his ears and ducked reflexively. To my surprise, the wand emitted a few sparks. Mr. Ollivander got up slowly, removing his hands from his ears, and looked at me. I heard him continuously muttering "Curious… very curious,"

Very nervously I asked "Mr. Ollivander? I'm sorry, but what's curious?"

He looked at me and said "Mr. Inferno, I have looked at that wand multiple times over my business years. But you are the hardest customer I've had since 1382, and that," he paused dramatically, "was Perenelle Flamel. That wand is the oldest one in this entire store. Made of pure obsidian, not wood, _obsidian_. 12 and a quarter inches long, pliable, but with a very powerful, very rare core. Have you ever heard of the tale of Markus 'Notch' Persson?" He then asked passively.

"Wha- well, no, I can't say I have." I replied.

"Markus Persson was not a normal man. His brother, Herobrine Persson, died shortly before Markus reached the age of 23. He was grief-stricken, so he set off on a perilous journey. He was accidentally sucked into a portal to another dimension. In this dimension everything was made of blocks, even the creatures! And at night, horrible monsters led by Notch's deceased brother Herobrine killed everything in sight."

"So Notch eventually killed a large black dragon that was ruler of a realm called The End. When the beast was slaughtered, it produced a portal that took him back to our land. He brought a few souvenirs with him. One of them," He said ominously, "was the core of this wand. The core of this wand is a tablespoon of blaze powder, a curious substance made from parts of a fire monster called a Blaze. This has not only the power of being excellent for fire charms, but also for the elemental magics surrounding the realm of _Minecraft_."

I stood in awe as my parents, who had obviously zoned out during his story, paid the 10 galleon fee and basically dragged me away. I could not believe I was now the owner of an extremely powerful wand from another dimension. I was so immersed in my thoughts, I just barely noticed the kid with the unruly hair enter Ollivander's just as he was finishing restacking the wands.

OoooOoooO

So the next few weeks passed by uneventfully as I examined my wand. Or maybe it examined me? Or maybe we examined each other in parallel… well not really but…then what? I resorted to just telling myself _Don't think about it._

Finally September 1 came around and it was time to go to King's Cross station to get on the Hogwarts Express. I was so excited! So my parents and I got in the car and we drove for London.

The trip was boring so I slept through most of it. When I woke up I got a spectacular view of the side of King's Cross right as the Inferno family car crashed right into it.

Then there was fire.

**A/N: So tell me what you thought in the review section. BTW This is NOT the main character. le gasp! You'll see the main character in chapter 3. 5 points to your house for each reference you catch! Hint: There's four.**


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